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And that's the way it is in Minnesota...

So "Julie and Julia" gave me a serious urge to make beouf bourgognonne...
So far no wish fulfillment although I did whip up a glorious Irish apple cake for Katie's picnic.
I've been mindmapping furiously for the past few weeks.  My dad got me into the program and i have to say, it's quite addictive.  I've finally figured a good way to graphically represent my ideas for the novel i'd like to write someday.
And I should probably start preparing my training presentation for my staff so that I don't come across as full of shit.
If there's one thing I'd rather not be full of, it's shit.

Dear Katie

Dear Katie,

I don't really know how to tell you this, our romance is over. I realized it when we skinny dipped in the bathtub and i saw you with Jean Chrétien and I saw you hit on my knee caps. I'm sure you're cowardly enough to understand that the middle-east is planning its revenge on you. I'm returning your nose-hair clippers to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I will never forget that night and thanks for the cocaine,

Best of luck on the sex change,
Tim


<lj-cut text="how to do it">
Here's how you do it:

Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this,(1). I realized it(2)and i saw you(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12),
(Your name)

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - When you put cuffs on me
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I finally changed my underwear
June - That night you picked your nose
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my elbow
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog bit my leg
December - When i threw out your sock drawer

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Chicken- at your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Seafood - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Other - With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bite off
Orange - rubbed anti-bacterial soap on
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Gossip Girl - Middle-class
Annat -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your criminal record
C/D - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your virginity
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet lips
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Get sick when I think of your feet
S/T - Always wanted to break your legs
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Juice – I have a passionate interest for mice
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonardo
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself

</lj-cut text>

Writer's Block: Fashion Forward

What do you think we'll be wearing twenty years from now?
Kevlar and camo, to protect from ZOMBIES!

Writer's Block: Teen Time Machine

If you could be a teenager living in any decade, which one would you choose?
The 1910's probably.  It seems like an exciting time.  The good thing about being a teenager here is that I'm too young to have to fight WWI and by the time WWII rolls around, I'm an old fart and Uncle Sam doesn't want me.  I'm in my 20s during the peak of High Modernism, so I can have all sorts of sordid affairs with newly liberated flappers and write beautiful but meaningless poetry in Paris with Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, and Ezra Pound.  Of course, I have to live through Prohibition and the Great Depression and I'd be too old to appreciate the 60's properly, but on the upside, i get to die before the birth of hip-hop.  Ignorance is bliss.

Second choice, the 50s, so I can be a tight-arsed all-American boyscout who goes totally nuts in the 60s.  Plus I get to observe the full career of Bob Dylan from start to prolonged and agonizing finish.

I know I've said nothing about actually being a teenager in these decades.  Bottom line, being a teenager has always sucked, plain and simple.  If you accuse me of missing the point of this meme, lick my balls.

...and now the conclusion

7. Star Trek: The Next Generation

For those of us who remember the early 90s, this was THE Star Trek of our time.  Ditching the campy acting of Shat & Co., Paramount tapped Shakespearean Patrick Stewart to play the passionate and profound Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the Enterprise-D and greatest BAMF of the Trek universe.  Also featured in this series were Whoopi Goldberg as a sort of black, female Yoda, the dude from Reading Rainbow wearing tripped out Kanye Glasses, and Michael Dorn as commander Worf, whose head does indeed resemble a fanny. 

Other notable contributions were Picard's catchphrase "Make It So", a spike in the sales of Earl Grey Tea (Picard's beverage of choice), and a bunch of shitty fanfic about Commander Riker.

8. Star Trek Generations

This was definitely a fanboy movie, since it was the only Star Trek to ever feature Picard and Kirk teaming up against the forces of evil (explanation: time warp, deviant megalomanic, etc).  It promised the end of Shat's appearances on the show, freeing him up to play the more consciously corny Denny Crane in "Boston Legal."

9. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

"The Next Generation" did so well that the network decided to fund not one but TWO spinoff series.  The first of these was Deep Space Nine, which differed considerably from the other series in that the focus was more socio-political than scientific-adventurous.  The atmosphere of this series is significantly more grim than its predecessors, depicting humanity at constant war with dangerous aliens.  Probably the most interesting character on this series was Quark, the conniving capitalist bartender always screwing up and providing great comic relief in what is otherwise probably the most depressing of the Trek series. 

10. Star Trek: Voyager

This was probably the Trek I watched the most growing up as it was popular right at the peak of my trekkie stage.  Voyager tells the story of Captain Janeway, a sort of 24th century Odysseus and the first female captain on a Trek series.  Trapped across the galaxy from the Federation, the starship Voyager must *voyage* back to Earth alone and in unfamiliar territory.  Probably the best part about this series was that it introduced the Borg as the main villains, which kicked ass because they were creepier and more menacing than any other baddies since. 

11. Star Trek: First Contact

This was the first Trek movie that was consciously an "action flick" featuring plenty of anger, creepy Borg zombies, and general badassery on the part of the Enterprise crew.  Probably the best of the newer Star Trek films, this one featured a tanned and ripped Patrick Stewart facing his inner demons whilst kicking ass and taking names.

12. Star Trek: Insurrection and Star Trek: Nemesis
By the time these came out, I was into girls and wanted at least a snowballs chance in hell with them.  So I haven't seen either and I hear I'm not missing much.

13. Star Trek (2009)

What can I say that hasn't already been said?  Except that JJ Abrams never passes up an excuse to use time-travel as a major plot device.  He struck a good balance between making a marketable action movie with a baby-faced cast (except for a craggy Leonard Nimoy) and appeasing the rabid fanboys by introducing the convenient "alternate timeline" twist.  Plus,  Simon Pegg was funny as usual.

So I'm letting my inner geek out for a breath of fresh air.  For the benefit of those of you who enjoyed seeing Nicolas Angel, Harold Kim, and Sylar kick the asses of pissed-off skinheads from the future and are thinking "Hey, this is a really cool concept, maybe I should check out some of the other movies/series" be warned that one does not simply walk into Trekkie world.  There are a few things you should know so you can focus on the good Trek and avoid the bad Trek.  So, this is my comprehensive guide to Star Trek, showing the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

1. The Original Series

This may be your reaction to some of the episodes, especially the ones that involve Kirk on a planet filled with alien temptresses.  Sufficed to say, this show never took itself too seriously, and you could always count on Shat to bust out a hammy one-liner during a moment of occasional profundity.  Their are two ways to properly appreciate this show: 1) Pot. 2) Remember its historical context.  Gene Roddenberry wanted to show a future where humanity was united in pursuit of something greater than the interests of individuals or groups, so significantly, the USS Enterprise had an Asian helmsman, an African Comm officer, and a Russian navigator.  Today, that seems hokey, but in the 60's it was a big deal.  Plus, this show introduced the classic character trio of Kirk, Spock, and McCoy: one of the most fascinating relationships in TV history. 

2. Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Don't waste your time.  This one is trying to be deep and artsy, but just comes across as pompous and annoying.  Again, historical context helps; this came out 10 years after the original series was cancelled and the series had become a cult phenom since, so for all the original trekkies, this was a godsend.  The main lasting contributions were Shat's painfully obvious toupee, an inexplicable extreme makeover for the Klingons who now looked like aliens instead of homosexual bikers, and the theme music which later got appropriated by "the next generation."

3. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

This is probably the most iconic and widely parodied Star Trek movie.  In it, Ricardo Montalban ruins Chekhov's shit with a brain-eating earwig and doesn't wear a shirt the whole movie, and Shat utters the most infamous scream broadcast in American Media until Howard Dean's speech after losing the Iowa Caucus to John Kerry.

BYAAAAAAAAAH.
The entire premise of Wrath of Khan is a sequel to the Original Series episode "Space Seed" in which Kirk commits a legendary "oops" by accidentally reviving a psychotic megalomanic from cold sleep.  Spock dies in the end, but its okay because you'll meet him again in...

4. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
Of course they couldn't kill off a major character for more than one movie, so they came up with a hokey explanation for his reincarnation.  Of course, this movie isn't all kittens and gilly-flowers, since it involves the destruction of the Enterprise and the death of Kirk's son, prompting the memorable line: YOU KLINGON BASTARD YOU KILLED MY SON

At the end, they all fly away in a captured Klingon ship and Spock wears a bathrobe for half the next movie.

5. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Here we have the geriatric crew of the enterprise trying to learn to cope with life way back in the 1980's.  This is my favorite movie by far, mainly because of the scene where Spock fucks up some metalhead on a bus with the neck-pinch.  Also, Scotty tries to use a mouse like a microphone.  At the end of the movie, a bunch of weird shit with whales happens and earth is saved, yay the end.

6. Star Trek's V and VI
Haven't seen, and don't particularly care to.

that's all for now, i'm going to go put ice on the blister the size of Guam that has formed on my right foot

MAMA I'M COMING HOME!

And it's going to be quite the party.  Oh yes.



And in other news...

Fragile Things

Remember your name
Do not lose hope--what you seek will be found
Trust ghosts.  Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn.
Trust dreams.
Trust your heart , and trust your story.

In conclusion, Gaiman is a badass.



The Chuck Norris of Gymnastics

This dude is all muscle. His FACE is pure muscle. When he smiles he flexes his cheeks so much you can see the veins throbbing.



Yang Wei wakes up in the morning and does a backflip out of bed because he can. He then pours himself a big bowl of gravel, shark teeth, and Utz Sourdough Pretzels to develop his chomping muscles. He washes them down with an entire bottle of Johnnie Walker, brushes his teeth with a Brillo pad, and then picks up his car and carries it to work (the gym). On the way there, he runs into a traffic jam so he vaults over a semi and lands with both feet on a Japanese car, crushing it to scrap and killing the occupants. He travels the remaining six miles to the gym by turning cartwheels. For lunch, Yang Wei goes to a graveyard, exhumes a skeleton and eats the whole thing, saving the phalanges for dessert. One time, someone tried to fight Yang Wei in the street, but he just smiled displaying so much manly prowess that the would-be assailant shat his pants in awe. Yang Wei then murdered him by putting his head between his pecs and flexing, crushing the dude's head like a walnut. Yang Wei threw his head back and roared like a dragon. At the end of the day, the Communist Party had successfully shut down 3,000 unpatriotic web pages thanks in no small part to Yang Wei's jaw.